Day 66: My Triumphant Return

...was, um, rather short-lived. :-D

I went running again this morning after doing sprints last time while my knee recovered. I was going to go to the gym this morning, but I decided to walk in the park nearby and keep it nice and slow. Slow is quite an accurate description, I averaged 19:34 while I was running, lol. Either way, I got to about 26:42 (not that I was counting or anything ;-) ) and my body decided then was a good time to go, so to speak. So, I had to find a restroom to take care of business and I just couldn't get my mojo back after that. So, 26:42 instead of the full 28. I guess that's not so bad, but next time I will make sure to make proper use of the facilities before I go running. :-D

Not bad for a post-injury run! Nice and sweaty here.

 

 



I got really close to Onederland again today. Meaning, the scale didn't budge an inch. Sometimes when that happens I end up dropping more weight the next day, but we'll see. I'm hoping I don't plateau right before I get to Onederland! But then again, I ate totally unhealthy yesterday. Found my mom's Starbucks cookie stash and well, you can guess the rest. :-D I felt really gross and such.

I kind of tend to do this if I set a goal for myself or am about to hit a milestone, I will binge eat a little bit. Maybe this is a weird self-sabotage thing for me, I am really not sure. But today I have been good, ate lunch and some apples and grapes with peanut butter, and some cantaloupe (without peanut butter). I am hoping today before I go home tonight to find some fresh carrots and a big thing of hummus, because it is my favorite snack! :-) I have had to resist heartily the pretzel and hummus containers in the cafeteria while I wait for class, but so far so good.

I go see the Career counselor on Friday to get an initial consultation. It will be so weird to be back in the habit of working, especially after being out of work for at least 3 months. I'm not sure I'm entirely looking forward to it but it will be nice to have a little spending money for running clothes, fuel, and races. I kind of have a one-track mind, lol. :-D

I am thinking of doing some cooking while my parents are out of town, so I will be able to eat healthy. There is something about having the house to yourself that makes you want to take on many tasks. I have been wanting to try some clean eating recipes or some chilis or soups so I will do that this weekend! And of course, there will be pictures.

I wrote a lot today! But sadly, I must draw it to a close as I have class in a few minutes. Have a great day all, be blessed and enjoy the journey!

Day 35: I Learned About Never Settling

No weird dreams after movie night. I'd say this is a pretty good thing. Next up for Bryan and I is introducing the loveliness that is the Star Wars trilogy. :-)

I have learned some interesting things about what constitutes settling to some folks. For some, it's simply that I'm not settling because I don't work at <insert previous job here>. I am settling because I didn't work to my full potential. As I see it, there's a lot of misperception about what this phrase means, and what it means to me.

Settling, as it stands, is directly seeing your goals and the potential to do great things, but consciously turning away and getting on with your bad decisions. Everything that comes up that is a game-changer is combated with excuses, self-doubt, and self-sabotage.

I have a person in my face-to-face life who is like this. This person has something good happen to them and immediately tries to downplay it or find some way to guarantee it won't work. They have been stuck in the same rut for a loooong time and don't really want to do anything about it. They have simply acknowledged that the suck in their life is the suck in their life and they have made their bed with the suck, never acknowledging that they have the power to change it.

That, my friends, is settling.

I have had this same problem in my own life in the past. I had some really good things going for me, and I would always break down and self-sabotage my efforts, simply because I was scared of being successful. Not because of deep-set issues (though anyone who has read this blog for more than one entry can tell you I have a few of those! ;-) ) but simply because it was the unknown and I knew I would have to work hard to get it.

I changed my life because it had just gotten to the point where I either had to change or end up another suicide statistic, because it was really that bad. God has a way of lifting you up when you get to such a desolate point in your life that you acknowledge that you can't do anything without him. He allows you the potential to do great things, until you realize that it was there all along for the taking. :-)

Deep musings this morning, eh? This has been on my mind for some time. I am taking a rest day today for the first time in 23 days and I don't consider this settling at all. I consider it honoring my body. I have been an off- and on-again Buddhist (and Christian, I tend to radiate infrequently between the two) for many years and that is a very important part of Buddhist philosophy, practicing compassion for yourself and others. So if I sound philosophical with Buddhist tendencies, there's a reason for that! :-)

Anyhoo, I will probably go out and dither for a bit, I'm meeting my best friend for lunch and mall-hopping today. There's a soup place in the mall that I want to try, so hopefully I will be able to try it out. I hope everyone has a fantastic day! :-)

Day 26: Trying to Adjust

The last few days have been really intense, with tons of roller coaster emotions and just not fun. I'm trying not to drown the blog in pessimism cause that's not really what I'm all about, but I just feel really discouraged. I'm still working out, still not eating too much, but I just start to wonder if maybe I'm wasting my time and money going to school and doing all these things to better myself. I feel like I'll never be good enough to meet my expectations, no matter how hard I work. I have felt this way all my life, I work and work and still don't feel good enough for myself. I got a 4.0 GPA my first semester and I have a 4.0 GPA this semester. But I'm beating myself up because I got a 98 instead of a 100 on a quiz! :-P I know I shouldn't do this to myself, that I should accept myself as I am. But I've got it in my head that I accept myself as I am, I am being complacent and that will cause me to backslide. Do any of you feel that way? How do you deal with it?

I have been trying to work myself back up to 22 minutes and got a little further, to about 17 minutes before I felt another crying fit coming on. Fortunately, this time I waited till I got into the car. Since it has been two times in a row now, I wonder if its not PMS but something a little deeper. I have lost 21 lbs in 2 months, I have worked myself into the ground and gotten the reward for it. But it is still a shock to the system! I have never been this active or in better shape, and there seems to be this huge adjustment curve involved. This is the first time in my life that I have really treated myself well or honored myself. I have from a young age thought very badly of myself and not treated myself well. To actually do that for myself, to actually believe that I do matter and that I am doing the best I can, is such a hard pill to swallow, especially when it seems that the people who are closest to you want to sabotage you and make sure you fail! (Not people like my fiancé though, he has supported me through all the things the haters have dished out.)

I know I am going to get through this and come out stronger. I have never quit even through sexual abuse, financial disasters, and depression, but it is still hard! I would love any prayers that you can give me! :-)

I think I am going to do some serious chilling, and suck it up and have a rest day. It is so hard to give myself a rest day but I know I need some time to recharge and rejuvenate after working out continuously for way too many days! I just want to sit around, read Glamour, and paint my nails. I haven't done that in a long time. :-)

I hope everyone has a great day. If you're in the same boat as me, please pray for me and let me know any ways I can pray for you! :-)

Day 16.5: Signs You're Getting Thinner

- You are freezing everywhere you go. I live in my WFM jacket and it's 90 degrees outside!
- When you stare blankly for 20 minutes while everyone else is stuffing their face.
- When you go into a athletic store and people don't give you a second glance.
- When you fit into your favorite jacket at REI and still can go up a size if you want.
- When it sounds incredulous that someone gets tired going to the other size of the mall.
- When you'd rather go running than eat.
- When you're stressed, you say, "Dammit, I wanna run!"
- When you're excited when you find a free 5k.
- When you go exploring after being out all day.

These are just a few for fun that have happened throughout the day and week. I have been noticing little things in my life that haven't always been present. I fit into a large jacket at REI. When I was previously at REI at around 222 or so, the jacket was very loose through the sleeves but wouldn't zip up (I have big hips and a weird waist, lol) and this time it zipped up all the way. I was psyched and I hope by the time winter rolls around I will be a medium.

My family has yet to catch up with me weight-wise. In fact, my mom is kind of sabotaging me a little bit because she always wants to eat. I wanted to eat at a restaurant with lots of healthy options, but for some reason my mom thought the other end of the mall was too far, even though technically you can just get in the car and drive down there. My mom's idea of "shopping at the mall" means going to 2 shops in close proximity to each other, and one of them is always a Starbucks. Anyhoo, she went to basically a meat and cheese mecca (AKA El Maguey) and I tried to find something healthy on the menu, and I got what I thought was a healthy meal but turned out to be covered in cheese! Next time I go to the restaurant I will ask for it without cheese. Yuck. :-P

Still, it looks like I have broken the 216-217 plateau for now. I ran six continuous minutes on the treadmill and am aiming for seven or eight tomorrow. I like to aim a little higher and try to surpass it. My goal today was five minutes, but I'm trying to get to a 30-40 minute run. I intend to run the (FREE) 5K I have signed up for, even if I have to train in a hurry. And besides, running obliterates the pounds. :-)

Well, I hope everyone has a great night! Take care all.