Day 50: The Day After

Surprisingly, I am actually feeling quite fantastic after my 5k. I wasn't sore at all and my feet felt great in my favorite shoes. I am surprised but not entirely as I am getting used to running/walking more than 2 miles most days.

Today I ventured out and did C25K Week 6 Day 1, which was 5 minutes running, 3 minutes walking, 8 minutes running, 3 minutes walking, and 5 minutes running, for a total of 34 minutes plus warm-up and cool-down. Since it was a longer distance, I decided to take my Sports Beans with me. They help keep the muscles in my legs from being too sore and give me energy for long runs. The first five minutes weren't that bad and the eight minutes subsequent were only difficult during the last few minutes. I explored some different parts of the trail, and enjoyed the scenery. I ran all the way from City Hall Park to my gym, which is at least 0.5 miles or more. I am still super slow, lol. :-) I decided to continue after 34 minutes and fartlek (I love that word!) for the next 20 minutes. Doing fartlek for the last part of the run keeps me running about 5k distance, and doesn't exhaust me to the point that I can't walk to my car afterward and have to be dragged. (In case I'm found unconscious, pause the Runtastic app!) Anyhoo, I did 2.26 miles in 53:17, not the best time but I can deal. I have done almost 30 miles this month, and the month is still going! :-)

 In my favorite Outdoors Inc shirt from Memphis!

Afterwards. Either my glasses are akimbo or I am, lol.

 

The fiancé and I have talked about making some homemade hummus and pita for our night together since we don't like to spend a ton of money on eating out or eating unhealthy. My influence is somewhat rubbing off on the fiancé (or maybe vice versa since he lost 25 pounds way before I did, lol) cause now he likes to run with me and cook and eat healthy. He is finishing up his externship this week and I couldn't be happier for him. With any luck, he'll get a job offer, but if not, he is very talented and will find somewhere that will enjoy having him. As for me, my job search is temporarily on hold while I concentrate on me and getting through my third semester of college, but once I feel ready to do so I will definitely entertain the possibility of working again. :-)

 

I hope everyone has a great day! I am going to my chemistry class in a little over 20 minutes, then will be putting some gas in my car on the way back. Nothing real Earth shattering, as long as the car doesn't run out before I get there, lol. Be blessed all and enjoy the weather! :-)

Day 35: I Learned About Never Settling

No weird dreams after movie night. I'd say this is a pretty good thing. Next up for Bryan and I is introducing the loveliness that is the Star Wars trilogy. :-)

I have learned some interesting things about what constitutes settling to some folks. For some, it's simply that I'm not settling because I don't work at <insert previous job here>. I am settling because I didn't work to my full potential. As I see it, there's a lot of misperception about what this phrase means, and what it means to me.

Settling, as it stands, is directly seeing your goals and the potential to do great things, but consciously turning away and getting on with your bad decisions. Everything that comes up that is a game-changer is combated with excuses, self-doubt, and self-sabotage.

I have a person in my face-to-face life who is like this. This person has something good happen to them and immediately tries to downplay it or find some way to guarantee it won't work. They have been stuck in the same rut for a loooong time and don't really want to do anything about it. They have simply acknowledged that the suck in their life is the suck in their life and they have made their bed with the suck, never acknowledging that they have the power to change it.

That, my friends, is settling.

I have had this same problem in my own life in the past. I had some really good things going for me, and I would always break down and self-sabotage my efforts, simply because I was scared of being successful. Not because of deep-set issues (though anyone who has read this blog for more than one entry can tell you I have a few of those! ;-) ) but simply because it was the unknown and I knew I would have to work hard to get it.

I changed my life because it had just gotten to the point where I either had to change or end up another suicide statistic, because it was really that bad. God has a way of lifting you up when you get to such a desolate point in your life that you acknowledge that you can't do anything without him. He allows you the potential to do great things, until you realize that it was there all along for the taking. :-)

Deep musings this morning, eh? This has been on my mind for some time. I am taking a rest day today for the first time in 23 days and I don't consider this settling at all. I consider it honoring my body. I have been an off- and on-again Buddhist (and Christian, I tend to radiate infrequently between the two) for many years and that is a very important part of Buddhist philosophy, practicing compassion for yourself and others. So if I sound philosophical with Buddhist tendencies, there's a reason for that! :-)

Anyhoo, I will probably go out and dither for a bit, I'm meeting my best friend for lunch and mall-hopping today. There's a soup place in the mall that I want to try, so hopefully I will be able to try it out. I hope everyone has a fantastic day! :-)

Day 31: Former Fattie???

I went for an interview at Lululemon today. I have to admit I was very, very nervous. As in, can barely concentrate on my classes or anything else because I'm so nervous. I have been on dozens of interviews dozens of times, so something like this shouldn't phase me by now. But I have to admit it was ridiculously out of my comfort zone. I've got at least 50-60 pounds on everyone there, but I persevered through.

We did a lot of working out, myself included. I added the bits from my arm workout in, expecting I'd be the only one who did a fitness routine. Turns out, I was one of four. The other folks did harder routines and I found myself doing my first spider pushup. It was super hard at first cause I wasn't exactly sure how to do it, but then I was like, on the floor, hardcore spider pushups where two weeks ago I wasn't even able to plank because it hurt my knees so bad. I told my "Never Settle" story and I got a few wows and you're an inspiration to mes, which was super cool. Even the interviewers didn't seem to expect it from me.

That's what gets me there.

I realize at this point I have lost 25 lbs, I can do spider push-ups at ~206 lbs, I should be proud of myself. But I have to admit, running with the big dogs kind of freaks me out a little bit.

I realized today that none of my clothes fit anymore. Like, literally none. Two pairs of jeans and several medium and large t-shirts and maybe one or two bras. I have to borrow clothes from the closet that I don't think have seen the light of day since 2003, when I was at about the same weight. I have running shorts I bought two weeks ago that are now super loose on me. I will have to get a new pair soon cause I don't think anyone really wants to see me run around City Hall Park with my shorts around my ankles (though I have to admit, seeing their reactions would be funny as hell). And today, I finally went to INTERVIEW AT a store I wouldn't even think of going into 30 lbs heavier because I thought everyone would laugh at me and wonder what I was doing there.

I, ladies and gents, am now a former fattie.

Don't freak out, folks. I just realized today that I am losing weight and not acting the part. I am way underdressed, first of all. I looked in the mirror today and for the life of me could not figure out why I looked so dumpy and huge. When I went to change for my interview, I realized the shirt I had worn out shopping today was a 1XL and my pants were a 24, and my bra was a band size too big. It was another one of those "Never Settle" type of moments where I'm like, whaaaaaa? I went out in a 24??? That's 4 sizes too big for me, first of all. Not to mention I thought I looked kind of okay in it. :-P I'm amazed that I let it get this bad for so long and even more so, that I kept wearing these clothes even after they didn't fit!

I keep getting new revelations about how far I had let myself go in the past, and today was one of those days. I just couldn't believe it, and what I had been doing to myself. I am worth so much more than to dress myself in clothes that are 4 sizes too big. I should be owning my body and dressing it in a way that looks good. But it's just so hard to see the person in the mirror being the same chick I feel like inside. But I know that I can keep owning this title and doing better things. It's just wow, it hit me hard.

Anyhoo, I have more to say, but I seem to be lacking a bit of eloquence tonight so I'll deal with it the only way I know how: to get into beastmode. :-) Be blessed all and have a great day.

Day 26: Trying to Adjust

The last few days have been really intense, with tons of roller coaster emotions and just not fun. I'm trying not to drown the blog in pessimism cause that's not really what I'm all about, but I just feel really discouraged. I'm still working out, still not eating too much, but I just start to wonder if maybe I'm wasting my time and money going to school and doing all these things to better myself. I feel like I'll never be good enough to meet my expectations, no matter how hard I work. I have felt this way all my life, I work and work and still don't feel good enough for myself. I got a 4.0 GPA my first semester and I have a 4.0 GPA this semester. But I'm beating myself up because I got a 98 instead of a 100 on a quiz! :-P I know I shouldn't do this to myself, that I should accept myself as I am. But I've got it in my head that I accept myself as I am, I am being complacent and that will cause me to backslide. Do any of you feel that way? How do you deal with it?

I have been trying to work myself back up to 22 minutes and got a little further, to about 17 minutes before I felt another crying fit coming on. Fortunately, this time I waited till I got into the car. Since it has been two times in a row now, I wonder if its not PMS but something a little deeper. I have lost 21 lbs in 2 months, I have worked myself into the ground and gotten the reward for it. But it is still a shock to the system! I have never been this active or in better shape, and there seems to be this huge adjustment curve involved. This is the first time in my life that I have really treated myself well or honored myself. I have from a young age thought very badly of myself and not treated myself well. To actually do that for myself, to actually believe that I do matter and that I am doing the best I can, is such a hard pill to swallow, especially when it seems that the people who are closest to you want to sabotage you and make sure you fail! (Not people like my fiancé though, he has supported me through all the things the haters have dished out.)

I know I am going to get through this and come out stronger. I have never quit even through sexual abuse, financial disasters, and depression, but it is still hard! I would love any prayers that you can give me! :-)

I think I am going to do some serious chilling, and suck it up and have a rest day. It is so hard to give myself a rest day but I know I need some time to recharge and rejuvenate after working out continuously for way too many days! I just want to sit around, read Glamour, and paint my nails. I haven't done that in a long time. :-)

I hope everyone has a great day. If you're in the same boat as me, please pray for me and let me know any ways I can pray for you! :-)

Day 18.5: Finding New Confidence

It's amazing how you find yourself when you lose weight.

I have found by losing weight I have suddenly felt like I should not ever, EVER settle and I have been telling people I know that, probably to the point of annoyance at times. :-D But there is a story behind my obsessive use of the phrase "Never settle," and I feel like I have reached a point in my life where I feel comfortable sharing a little bit more of myself.

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My weight has only been an issue for me since I was 14. Before that, I was as active as could be. I was a moderately accomplished gymnast and tried to be a cheerleader until a self-confidence and knee blowout ended that venture. :-) I also ice skated and played soccer, basketball, and softball. I was never good, but I loved it.

I don't want to get into the particulars of my childhood, but there were some issues that caused me to gain weight. I ended up putting on over 100 lbs in a short amount of time.

I finally got to the breaking point the first time when I hit 240. At 5'3" (fun sized!) that was a hard pill to swallow and my body was showing the effects. I lost 51 lbs, getting down to 189, but I gained it all back after ending an abusive relationship with an ex-boyfriend. It was very hard for me, as was the death of my maternal grandma, and I'm just now emptying the last piece of that emotional baggage.

I went to see a psychiatrist for occasional depression and panic attacks, and found out I had residual post-traumatic stress disorder from that relationship. He seemed to think I had daddy issues (I do, my dad is way too awesome! It's killing me! :-D) and tried to get me out of my parents' house. I moved way too fast, found a job where I got scammed and lost over $2000, and it pretty much imploded. I'm still unpacking those bags.

So, all that culminated into a very frustrating time of it. I became moderately depressed, and one day I went to the library hoping to find the latest book to change my life (aren't we all guilty of this from time to time, lol?) and found out that the answer was in my lap. I had my BMR Bliss meds and needed to take them for the day. I had reached into the passenger seat to grab the bottle and it said in pretty font, "Never Settle."

Suddenly, I realized that was what I had been doing my whole life. I had been settling into everyone's mold of me, I let everyone push me around, I didn't take care of myself, and I had just been settling. Now was the time to change. I pulled into the gym on the way home and the rest is history. :-)

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I hope that gives you a better understanding of what I've been through. I really hope that I can encourage you to do the same. Well, maybe not with the roller coaster of emotions it took me to get there, but I want to encourage you to never settle for less than what you're worth. Don't let anyone tell you negative things about you. You were put on this Earth for a reason, and that was not to give up! :-)

I hope this has encouraged you tonight. I hope you have a great evening.

Day 16.5: Signs You're Getting Thinner

- You are freezing everywhere you go. I live in my WFM jacket and it's 90 degrees outside!
- When you stare blankly for 20 minutes while everyone else is stuffing their face.
- When you go into a athletic store and people don't give you a second glance.
- When you fit into your favorite jacket at REI and still can go up a size if you want.
- When it sounds incredulous that someone gets tired going to the other size of the mall.
- When you'd rather go running than eat.
- When you're stressed, you say, "Dammit, I wanna run!"
- When you're excited when you find a free 5k.
- When you go exploring after being out all day.

These are just a few for fun that have happened throughout the day and week. I have been noticing little things in my life that haven't always been present. I fit into a large jacket at REI. When I was previously at REI at around 222 or so, the jacket was very loose through the sleeves but wouldn't zip up (I have big hips and a weird waist, lol) and this time it zipped up all the way. I was psyched and I hope by the time winter rolls around I will be a medium.

My family has yet to catch up with me weight-wise. In fact, my mom is kind of sabotaging me a little bit because she always wants to eat. I wanted to eat at a restaurant with lots of healthy options, but for some reason my mom thought the other end of the mall was too far, even though technically you can just get in the car and drive down there. My mom's idea of "shopping at the mall" means going to 2 shops in close proximity to each other, and one of them is always a Starbucks. Anyhoo, she went to basically a meat and cheese mecca (AKA El Maguey) and I tried to find something healthy on the menu, and I got what I thought was a healthy meal but turned out to be covered in cheese! Next time I go to the restaurant I will ask for it without cheese. Yuck. :-P

Still, it looks like I have broken the 216-217 plateau for now. I ran six continuous minutes on the treadmill and am aiming for seven or eight tomorrow. I like to aim a little higher and try to surpass it. My goal today was five minutes, but I'm trying to get to a 30-40 minute run. I intend to run the (FREE) 5K I have signed up for, even if I have to train in a hurry. And besides, running obliterates the pounds. :-)

Well, I hope everyone has a great night! Take care all.

Day Nine: Actual Next Day!! Mind is BLOWN.

Hi everyone, 11 page views today? Man you are all amazing. :-)

I finally got on after one day, so technically this is day nine!
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I went to yoga class this morning, reluctantly. I have not been to an exercise class in ages, and generally speaking I don't like them. I'm always the token fat chick in the class; sweating, not in proper workout clothes, and just somewhat of a spectacle to myself and others. So, needless to say, I generally avoid them like the plague. But today, I decided to be different. I got in, and true to form I was the sweaty fat chick (but there was an old guy in my class who was borderline flashing his backside on the bending moves, so I felt better, lol) but I felt different this time.

Sure, I was screaming inside my head, things I prefer not to repeat, but I feel like I made the right decision trying to take care of my body. Ever since I took some serious steps towards reevaluating my life, I'm starting to realize that without exception that everyone starts out that way. They might not be as heavy as I was and am, but they feel out of place, like the token something-or-another. They feel like everyone is staring at them and judging them when in reality everyone feels the same way about the way they look and could care less what you look like. In fact, I saw someone more overweight than me totally killing it on the elliptical and my immediate thought was, "Get it girl!" I was so psyched to see her kicking ass like that. :-)

I found something kind of cool today when I was taking my supplements this morning. I noticed on the bottom of the 1st Phorm container that holds the Thyro-Drive I take every morning there is printed in script, "Never Settle." I had never noticed it before and thought it was super cool. As I fought my usual inertia, I kept repeating these words to myself, "Never settle." And I think that after some evaluation of my own life there is some truth and motivation in that phrase.

I have settled my whole life. For crappy jobs, abusive family members and boyfriends, for programs in school I didn't enjoy in the slightest, for being unkempt and overweight my whole life. I was always saying "Yes," to someone or something without considering my own opinion. I just continually let myself go without considering that I could take my life in another direction. Maybe today I can decide for once not to settle and to say "Yes," to myself.

Didn't think you would get poetic turn of phrase, didya? Well luckily, today you did. I hope you all have a great day and remember not to settle!