Day 77ish: Hey hey, it's okay...

Like my awesome made-up song title? I think I'm onto something there. :-)

In seriousness, my fiancé brought up something that I thought was super cool. I was bummed out because I had not done very well on my Chemistry test, I guess for whatever reason I just had a bad weekend and didn't want to do much of anything. He said to me, in essence, that doing badly on one chemistry test was okay, especially since I had average 90s on the other test and the lowest score would be dropped. He didn't sound the least bit disappointed, and said that some tests are just harder than others and I would have no trouble with the final. In that moment, he was giving me permission to fail. :-)

Maybe this sounds outrageous to some people, after all, if he gives you permission to fail, doesn't that mean that he wouldn't mind if you failed? Yes, and no. He may want me to succeed, but if I put out the effort and don't make it, I simply have to make a change in my actions and try again, with no guilt trips and repercussions from him. :-) That is a revolutionary and refreshing idea!

My parents, for all intents and purpose, simply didn't have the ability to give me that option. My dad has a doctorate and my mom has a master's, and I can remember ever since I have been in school, they were obsessed with my grades. They bribed me financially when I made A's and B's, they told me everyday that they "needed to see those A's," and just made me a nervous wreck about bringing home anything other than an A or a B. I remember forging signatures on a signed test when I was in the 7th grade because I was so embarrassed to tell them I made a D on a test. I have been at a number of GPA's, even joining the honor's society one semester with a 4.0 GPA and at one point getting an overall GPA below a 1.0.

I don't know how much is related to this, but it has caused me to hold myself to a ridiculous standard of perfection. I was crushed if I didn't bring home a 100, if I got a C on a test I would stop going because I knew I couldn't salvage it. I studied 30 hours or more a week, as well as going to school. It was just high pressure, all the time, and I couldn't handle it.

I have been in college over a decade. I have wrapped my life so much in making my parents happy by getting good grades, I just hoped that if I could complete school the way they wanted me to, I would be happy, they would be happy, and everything would be hunky-dory.

THIS IS AN ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS WAY TO LIVE!!!!

My passion is writing, animal rights, and jewelry-making. I used to make jewelry everyday, and wore it, and I was super proud of my work. I got asked to do a jewelry show but was hell-bent on making a 4.0 GPA, so I turned it down. I think this was a HUGE mistake, and I could have gotten a huge self-esteem boost from it. I love to write and wanted desperately to become published. I never got to do any of this! I let myself go to the point of making everyone else happy. You know what, I want to have my own jewelry business, I want to write novels, and that's okay!! There is nothing wrong with any of that. I also love photography and want to take photography classes, and that's okay too! All of that is okay! I don't have to be in school my whole life or make everyone happy to be happy myself. I can live my own life and be okay with it. :)

Day 76ish: School, Writing, and Everything Else

I am sorry I haven't been posting on here for awhile. I have two blogs and I generally tend to focus on one and not the other sometimes. :-)

It has been hard for the past few days. I am sure I have run the gamut already so I don't want to get into it for now, but I have felt numb, lost, and alone. I have suffered from intermittent depression my whole life and I guess it's just been a rough spell for me. I wish I had something more optimistic to say but I'm just not feeling it tonight. That's okay though, I know God takes care of me and something good will come out of it. That I do know for sure.

I registered for classes today, General Biology I and Ethics. I took the Ethics class last year but had similar issues to right now and I had to drop out. I am taking it again because I love philosophy, and wanted to absorb the whole class and really enjoy it. I am taking it from the same professor, and am seriously looking forward to it. Since I am no longer in the medical field, that course will fulfill a literature credit. :-) Besides, I enjoy reading about Greek and Roman philosophers even though most of them are Atheists. I also love Greek mythology. :-) Too bad I will never use it, lol.

I need to get back into the writing one of these days. You know you're going through writing withdrawal when your characters appear to you in dreams and ask you why you're not writing anymore, lol. I have been writing and telling stories pretty much my whole life, especially the Fort Cyprus Bysto series which I have written intermittently since 1999. I also had a series of books called Red Rivers, Redemption, and a third unnamed book which I usually call Renewal or Restart. Those are strongly autobiographical but more exaggerated than my actual life. I don't write super often because once I get started I want to write ALL. THE. TIME. and I can't afford to do that, lol! :-D One of these days I will share some more about Fort Cyprus Bysto and my characters. :-)

Also, my school is putting on a Veterans Week which I will be at religiously. I am not a Veteran, nor do I know too many military vets, but I can relate to them because of a high incidence of post-traumatic stress disorder, which I had in early adulthood and for a little while 3 years ago (it has since gone away) and I can't compare my trauma to that of the military vets, but somehow I feel a camaraderie there and I will always support military vets and those currently serving. :-)

Lots of different topics tonight, but it feels good to talk about something different for a change. :-) I hope I will be able to elaborate on this blog somewhat, I have missed posting here and sharing with all of you. I hope all of you have a fantastic evening, I am delving into chemistry land and hopefully I'll still be balanced on the other side. Ha ha, chemistry humor. :-D Be blessed and enjoy the journey.