Day 76ish: School, Writing, and Everything Else

I am sorry I haven't been posting on here for awhile. I have two blogs and I generally tend to focus on one and not the other sometimes. :-)

It has been hard for the past few days. I am sure I have run the gamut already so I don't want to get into it for now, but I have felt numb, lost, and alone. I have suffered from intermittent depression my whole life and I guess it's just been a rough spell for me. I wish I had something more optimistic to say but I'm just not feeling it tonight. That's okay though, I know God takes care of me and something good will come out of it. That I do know for sure.

I registered for classes today, General Biology I and Ethics. I took the Ethics class last year but had similar issues to right now and I had to drop out. I am taking it again because I love philosophy, and wanted to absorb the whole class and really enjoy it. I am taking it from the same professor, and am seriously looking forward to it. Since I am no longer in the medical field, that course will fulfill a literature credit. :-) Besides, I enjoy reading about Greek and Roman philosophers even though most of them are Atheists. I also love Greek mythology. :-) Too bad I will never use it, lol.

I need to get back into the writing one of these days. You know you're going through writing withdrawal when your characters appear to you in dreams and ask you why you're not writing anymore, lol. I have been writing and telling stories pretty much my whole life, especially the Fort Cyprus Bysto series which I have written intermittently since 1999. I also had a series of books called Red Rivers, Redemption, and a third unnamed book which I usually call Renewal or Restart. Those are strongly autobiographical but more exaggerated than my actual life. I don't write super often because once I get started I want to write ALL. THE. TIME. and I can't afford to do that, lol! :-D One of these days I will share some more about Fort Cyprus Bysto and my characters. :-)

Also, my school is putting on a Veterans Week which I will be at religiously. I am not a Veteran, nor do I know too many military vets, but I can relate to them because of a high incidence of post-traumatic stress disorder, which I had in early adulthood and for a little while 3 years ago (it has since gone away) and I can't compare my trauma to that of the military vets, but somehow I feel a camaraderie there and I will always support military vets and those currently serving. :-)

Lots of different topics tonight, but it feels good to talk about something different for a change. :-) I hope I will be able to elaborate on this blog somewhat, I have missed posting here and sharing with all of you. I hope all of you have a fantastic evening, I am delving into chemistry land and hopefully I'll still be balanced on the other side. Ha ha, chemistry humor. :-D Be blessed and enjoy the journey.

Day 33: New Scales and Old Demons

It's been an interesting, up-and-down day. I won't get into all the particulars, but let's just say it's been interesting and leave it at that. All kinds of things went wrong and all kinds of things went right.

Anyhoo, I went running for day 22/50 over at the gym. I will probably be running in the gym for the next few days just because it is supposed to be ridiculously hot and I don't really want to miss my run but don't want to die doing it either. :-) I ran about a mile and a half on the treadmill, which is not bad considering I've only run about 1.46 miles while out on the track including both the warm-up and cool down. I did more like 1.51 today on the treadmill and had a top speed of 4.1 mph. I think it's safe to say I no longer walk and run at the same speed. Cause honestly, I have to slow the treadmill down when I get close to ending my interval because the thing's going so fast that if I try to walk on it, it'll take me out with the garbage, lol! :-D So that's a major accomplishment right there.

Speaking of major accomplishments, I went out to Wal-Mart today and bought a scale. It's not a fancy scale, but it at least reads better than my mom's evil thing that'll give you a 5-7 lb deviation depending on where you stand on it. I tried my new scale out and then went back for a second weigh-in, and it gave me the same measure: 212.2. I guess that's not bad considering it's a new scale, but I would have liked to see a lower weight. Ah well, that is the whole reason why I don't use the scale to begin with. I start obsessing over the weight and wondering why it keeps staying higher than I like, without realizing I've put on about 3 lbs of muscle just by running every day. It sucks! So I have the scale but I'm not touching it for another few days. Next Wednesday I'll be able to see a bit of differential and see if I need to make adjustments in my schedule or add some different types of workouts in. :-)

My awesome scale. I wish this was my weight on the side! :-)

 

I seem to be getting better at balancing the schoolwork/real life/exercise aspects of things much better. I always tended to lean towards one thing or another, no real balancing act involved. But if I have learned anything on my journey to weight loss it's leading a more balanced lifestyle. My diet was definitely the first part of that, because I eat a balanced diet. A lot of protein, decent amount of carbs, and lots of fruits of and veggies. The way I sometimes talk about my diet, a lot of folks assume it's a low-carb, low-fat diet. And to a certain degree that is definitely true. But the important thing is finding balance. I've also (mostly) stopped the five-hour studying binges. I know it sounds weird to call studying a binge but I have seriously spent all day studying for a class when there isn't even an exam coming up! Now, I try to study when I get some time to do so and yes, I still type notes from the book. :-D

 

The exercise balance... well, I'm learning. The interval training has been my best friend because my natural inclination is to run/bike and keep adding time until I get so exhausted I just quit doing it altogether. I was actually very close to quitting training until I discovered C25K and interval training on the bike. So I am definitely not leaving the gym crying anymore because I can't seem to maintain a 22-minute running time seven days into the process! I run/walk for 30-35 minutes and that seems to work for me a lot better. I have been trying to pace myself on the bike after a rather lengthy and heated discussion with my better (much better) half about why I knew what I was doing and didn't need his advice. And what do I do? I listen to him and pace myself and everything's fine again.

 

Real life balance is always a challenge for me because let's face it, I had a lot of imbalance most of my life. I have been fighting the residual demons of PTSD and childhood sexual abuse for a lot of my life, and trying to reestablish my equilibrium even to this point has taken me almost 20 years! That's why there is a great pleasure for me in treating my body well and making sure that I give it some TLC as well. Most of my life I have been punishing myself I guess, for ending up in the situations I did and in a way saddling a lot of the blame that I really didn't need to. It isn't so much about learning to love myself in a balanced way as it is to love myself at all. But I am getting there, slowly but surely. :-)

 

Wow, deep stuff today, lol! :-) I hope everyone was able to wade through that emotional baggage. I will be back later on in the day, I suppose, hopefully with a little less seriousness. Have a great day all!