Day 77ish: Hey hey, it's okay...

Like my awesome made-up song title? I think I'm onto something there. :-)

In seriousness, my fiancé brought up something that I thought was super cool. I was bummed out because I had not done very well on my Chemistry test, I guess for whatever reason I just had a bad weekend and didn't want to do much of anything. He said to me, in essence, that doing badly on one chemistry test was okay, especially since I had average 90s on the other test and the lowest score would be dropped. He didn't sound the least bit disappointed, and said that some tests are just harder than others and I would have no trouble with the final. In that moment, he was giving me permission to fail. :-)

Maybe this sounds outrageous to some people, after all, if he gives you permission to fail, doesn't that mean that he wouldn't mind if you failed? Yes, and no. He may want me to succeed, but if I put out the effort and don't make it, I simply have to make a change in my actions and try again, with no guilt trips and repercussions from him. :-) That is a revolutionary and refreshing idea!

My parents, for all intents and purpose, simply didn't have the ability to give me that option. My dad has a doctorate and my mom has a master's, and I can remember ever since I have been in school, they were obsessed with my grades. They bribed me financially when I made A's and B's, they told me everyday that they "needed to see those A's," and just made me a nervous wreck about bringing home anything other than an A or a B. I remember forging signatures on a signed test when I was in the 7th grade because I was so embarrassed to tell them I made a D on a test. I have been at a number of GPA's, even joining the honor's society one semester with a 4.0 GPA and at one point getting an overall GPA below a 1.0.

I don't know how much is related to this, but it has caused me to hold myself to a ridiculous standard of perfection. I was crushed if I didn't bring home a 100, if I got a C on a test I would stop going because I knew I couldn't salvage it. I studied 30 hours or more a week, as well as going to school. It was just high pressure, all the time, and I couldn't handle it.

I have been in college over a decade. I have wrapped my life so much in making my parents happy by getting good grades, I just hoped that if I could complete school the way they wanted me to, I would be happy, they would be happy, and everything would be hunky-dory.

THIS IS AN ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS WAY TO LIVE!!!!

My passion is writing, animal rights, and jewelry-making. I used to make jewelry everyday, and wore it, and I was super proud of my work. I got asked to do a jewelry show but was hell-bent on making a 4.0 GPA, so I turned it down. I think this was a HUGE mistake, and I could have gotten a huge self-esteem boost from it. I love to write and wanted desperately to become published. I never got to do any of this! I let myself go to the point of making everyone else happy. You know what, I want to have my own jewelry business, I want to write novels, and that's okay!! There is nothing wrong with any of that. I also love photography and want to take photography classes, and that's okay too! All of that is okay! I don't have to be in school my whole life or make everyone happy to be happy myself. I can live my own life and be okay with it. :)

Day 73: Keeping it Amazing

It has been an awesome day. :-)

I found out today that my mom will continue to fund my education after way too many years in college. I've finally found my niche in Chemistry/Biology and enjoy every day that I'm there. I was shocked, because for awhile I thought she wasn't really that interested in my going to school, but my mom's and my relationship has been growing by leaps and bounds every day. I am continually amazed at my mom's positive attitude. She hasn't really had an easy time of it with my grandpa being ill, but she is there almost every weekend and takes care of him. :-) My mom is such an amazing, strong person and I feel blessed to know her. My dad too! He's funny and way smarter than me, lol. :-)

I went for a short run today. I intended to break records today, and I felt God telling me to put away the timer for the run. I was not keen on this at all, I have always run with a timer and it is super glued into my hand most of the run. I finally decided to heed the feeling and put the timer away, only to discover when I took it out a minute later that I had accidently deleted my running apps from my phone! What are the odds? I was even more frustrated and ticked, but I went with my instinct for how far to run and when to stop. And I still had a good run even without the timer. In fact, it felt so good I think I will be running "naked" from now on.

Not to worry, I won't be running without clothes on! To run "naked" means not to track time, calories, or any kind of distance. You simply run until you feel like stopping, and walk some, and run some. I liked the freedom of running without a timer, there was no sense of failure because I hadn't accomplished my 30 minute distance that has been eluding me for weeks. I enjoyed being outside, enjoyed the weather, and just relaxed. :-)

My fiancé is coming over Saturday to see me! I have missed him since he started work. He seems to be having a great time at his new job, but he still misses me a lot. I miss him too! I keep hoping for a job with relatively flexible hours so when we get married in a year that I will actually be able to see him. :-) I'm still keen on being a Beachbody coach, lol! Maybe someday. ;-)

I hope everyone has a fantastic evening! I will be buried in Chemistry homework land as usual. Be blessed and enjoy the journey!

Day 72: Busy Bee and 199 LBS!!

I finally hit 199 lbs.

Granted, I hit 198 yesterday and went up a little bit today, but considering I haven't worked out in awhile I'd say that's pretty good. I got a little bit discouraged when I couldn't hit the 30 minute mark and decided to take a break from running for a little while. I am looking forward to getting back into it soon. Anyhoo, I hit 199 lbs and am excited to report I am still there today. I took some progress pics but am a little disappointed with how they looked. My hair was kind of all over the place and I wasn't wearing any makeup. So I will be sure to retake them tomorrow and post them on the blog.

I have been dealing with a lot of things outside of the blog and the Facebook page, none of them being particularly bad or good. I have decided to work within my original degree and try to find a technical writing job through Career Services at the community college. They have been very helpful thus far and have given me a few leads and suggestions for how to find more. I plan on getting some sort of degree while I'm working, but I'm not sure how that will pan out. I will keep up with my classes and do some job-searching while I'm not in school. It will be difficult but I am positive about the future. Plus, my fiancé is starting his first job out of college and the hours are a little bit wonky, all nights for now. I am not concerned about it but he is, he's worried he won't get to see me and everything, but I think it will all work out.

I have been dealing with a lot of family issues, which are positive for the most part. My parents and I are starting to reconcile our relationship after it being rocky for years. I don't think it's necessarily that either one of us are at fault, it's just that we are SO different in personality and because I am disabled (I have mild autism) I want to be independent from them and start my own life but I just tend to do things a lot slower than most people and sometimes that is frustrating. And I think I carried a lot of that frustration with me and just had a lot of anger about it. But I am glad I am starting to get some help for that through my church. I have an outlet and it feels a lot better.

Wow, this is a pretty deep post tonight. If you waded through it, I appreciate it and I hope you will continue to read subsequent posts. Trust me, it will be a lot lighter fare than tonight, lol! I will have my photos and hopefully some running news and it will be awesome.

Blessings to ya'll, enjoy the journey, and enjoy the beautiful fall weather!! xx

Day 26.2: And On The Nineteenth Day, She Rested

I'm feeling a bit better thanks to getting some chemistry homework out of the way and it just being quiet around the house for a change. I'm enjoying sitting around reading everyone's blogs and leaving comments, and just doing things that don't hurt. After a huge welt on my... back end... from the 47 minutes of biking last night, and sore knees from running 15 days in a row, it feels good to take a rest day. And surprisingly, as I rest my weight goes down instead of up! I was expecting the weight to come creeping back on if I didn't exercise. But I guess that's more of a long term thing, which is good.

I have gotten back on my antidepressant, which I'm not sure if it is making me feel better or worse. I have not been on it for two weeks now, and the scrip just came back up for refill (I lost almost a full bottle in Illinois somewhere while I was at my best friend's party. I tried to refill it and received a snarky message that my insurance carrier was not going to pay out for a lost bottle and they would not refill it for another 14 days. No bueno.) Either way, we will see if they turn me into a blabbering emotional wreck^200 again. This particular antidepressant has not caused any problems with my weight loss, in fact it makes my weight drop off twice as fast when I'm exercising regularly. Go figure. :-P

Tomorrow my fiancé is coming over, yay! We will watch a movie from home on Saturday and do our annual apple picking outing on Sunday after church. Either way, it will be very HOT. The Honeycrisps came out earlier because of the unseasonably mild weather for most of the winter, and so we are picking them in very early September instead of late September. We will also go back for the pumpkin picking in October, which is another of our traditions. I don't think we have ever eaten much of our fruit bounty except while we're out there picking. (Though I've never eaten a pumpkin whilst picking another pumpkin. That just sounds hard to do. And messy! :-D)

My birthday is in 16 days. I will be turning 29, one year away from the big 3-0. That kind of frightens me a little, and a little sad that I've wasted my twenties just sitting around being depressed and stuffing my face. That's no fun at all! Hopefully my 30s will treat me a little better. :-)

Well, I am going to work on some more chem homework and shower, but not while doing the chemistry homework, lol. Be blessed all and have a great labor day weekend! :)

Day 23.5: The Great Day Continues

I am so excited about how the day has gone. My mom was late coming home but I let it slide since it's pretty easy to reschedule that appointment. I cleaned up while she was gone and took my sister out to eat at Ruby Tuesday. It was ridiculous because I got a lunch plate and didn't even finish it! I got grilled shrimp, potatoes, and broccoli and left some shrimp and potatoes and my sister was more than happy to polish off the rest of my shrimp! :-D We came home and she fell asleep and I worked on my chemistry homework. I got a lot done!

My mom came home around 4 and decided to pay me a huge paycheck for taking care of my sister. I don't feel comfortable divulging the amount, but it was a good sized check. I went to Wal-Mart and picked up some new gym clothes, and some necessities and not so necessities, including a new watch! I am super excited about my watch because I had this fantastic watch that my mom got me from Nordstrom Rack and I can't find it anywhere! My new watch is pink and has all kinds of fun gadgets on it. The damage was only $8.88 for the watch and I can't wait to wear it! It will be nice to be able to tell the time when there isn't a clock nearby, lol. I also bought my favorite shampoo and deodorant, and the latest issue of Glamour! Before you know it, I'll be in those clothes. :-D

I went biking and biked 7.04 miles! It was super hard because of the heat and because I had been out walking at Wal-Mart at previous. I struggled through it and dripped lots of sweat (thank God for deodorant!) but I made it! That's a total of 340 calories and 8.28 miles today! I am so geeked out! I came home and made some pasta margarita (in the microwave, I don't do a lot of heavy duty cooking) and watched Extreme Weight Loss. I would love to be able to afford a personal training session, and for those of you who don't know, when I hit goal I'm going for my CPT certification! I will be so excited when that happens. :-) I will also be getting a tattoo, much to my fiancé's chagrin but he said if it's not huge than he will deal. I will get "Never Settle" tattooed on my upper back, right beneath my neck. I would love to do one on my neck but I hear it hurts like crazy! :-)

I am so grateful for all my new friends and I appreciate all your likes, comments, and encouragement! It really means a lot to me and works wonders when screaming "NEVER SETTLE!!!!" inside my head while I'm working out doesn't work, lol. Be blessed all and have a good evening!

Day 20: 20th Day, 20 minutes!!

I'm so ridiculously psyched. I just ran for the "elusive" 20 minutes and for my first mile! Well, technically a mile and a tenth, but who's counting, right? :-D

My day started out kind of sucky. I have been doing things right but since I got off antidepressants I am ridiculously stuck at 217 again. I just think I will be at this weight for awhile, until my body gets used to being off antidepressants. Either way, to see the same number on the scale everyday is super frustrating! I reluctantly went running, still a bit upset from the scale number. I listen to Christian radio a lot of the time on the way to my run, and Third Day's "I Need a Miracle" came on. I said to God, kind of flippantly, "A miracle would be good." I was just being silly, but God gave me some amazing things to be thankful for. I'll share some with you:

1) I can see! (And just getting new specs, you really appreciate being able to see.)
2) I can hear moderately well.
3) I can walk.
4) I can run like nobody's business.
5) I have good things to eat.
6) I have clean water and will not get sick if I drink tons of it.
7) I am doing well at college.

And the list goes on... but my spirits were incredibly lifted. I felt energized and happy and I knocked out 20 minutes on the treadmill! God is good.

Oh, speaking of new specs, here is a photo of me with said new specs:

 

 

I totally love them! They make me look so stinkin' cute. And I had to wait 4 days to get them so I'm very grateful to have them. I'm also grateful because my original glasses broke 3 months ago and I wasn't able to replace them. I wore a pair that I wore when I was 15 and I couldn't see very well AT ALL. So now my scrip is the intended power and I can see just fine. (By the way, excuse the lack of makeup and the post-workout hair. I had just done a workout and when you sweat profusely, makeup is a bad idea!)

 

I hope everyone has a fantastic day. I know I will. God bless!

Day 18: Kickin Butt And Taking Names

Day Five of the running streak! I have gone 10-10, 3, 6, 10, and today I ran for 12 minutes. It's not exactly doubling my time but I reckon that as I clock more and more minutes I will have to add a few minutes at a time. I am still trying to hit that elusive goal of 20 minutes of running and trying to add more time every day.

I also gave up caffeine, entirely by accident. :-) I have been drinking flavored water for about 2 or 3 weeks, and I realized yesterday that I had drank no soda at all, just drank water and was fine with it. So I thought, what the hey, I'll just stop drinking soda. So I have and have my cup with a V on it (it originally stood for Vegan to promote my blog, but since I am no longer updating the blog I just carry it around for fun) filled with lots of water. It's a 24 oz Tervis water bottle and I am totally geeked out about it.

I made this really great little fruit salad today. My mom was serving eggs with way too much fat added to it in the form of sausage and LOTS of cheese (yuck), and I wasn't really interested in that after a 12-minute run. So I threw together a can of mandarin oranges, a handful of blueberries and slivered almonds, and some Greek yogurt. It was delicious and more nutritious than my mom's eggs and sausage. :-D I will post a picture of it the next time I make it and give a more detailed recipe.

Well, this is a short entry since I have class in a few minutes. Have a great day all and I'll catch you later today. :-)

Day 11: Cause I'm Awesome that Way.

Hi guys!

I appreciate your patronage! There have been 61 page views in two days! I am so happy that you are enjoying the site and I hope to see even more of you soon.

I have had a mixed bag of a day. On the positive side, I ran three consecutive miles without stopping. I haven't done that in my continuous running adventures, even when I was good at it. I ran a total of around 5-6 minutes, with 4 minutes of walking. Considering the circumstances, it's not a bad go of it. I'm planning on going back later on tonight if the gas in my car holds out for another day. :-) Also, I weighed in at 215.2 today, breaking the plateau at 217-219. When I compare side by side pictures I can truly tell a difference. Check out this bad boy:

 



I can really tell a difference! That is the same shirt too, and yes I bash on the Cubs and don't particularly like them or baseball in general but my parents keep on buying me shirts when they go to Chicago. My dad is a huge Cubs fan. And we're in St Louis. Awesome planning there, but my dad is from the UK so he has that excuse.

 

I have also had some not-so-good news in that someone I have trusted in the past has been lying to me constantly, and tries to pass the buck to me and say that I don't understand what's going on. And today I unearthed a huge honker of a lie that this person told me that could have cost me a ton of time, hassle, and kept me bound to them for the rest of my life. I won't get into the particulars, those who are close to me know exactly what I am talking about, but I am honestly shocked. I don't understand how someone who is supposed to be close to you lies to your face and then blames you for not understanding why they lied and how the whole schema works.

 

Anyhoo, I have also received a call from a college that may work with me to find a place to live and transfer some of my college credits at my current college to theirs. I didn't realize they had been calling me because they never left voicemails until today, and I had wondered where they had been all this time. Either way, I have not decided if I will switch my major at my current college or transfer to this college. It's a huge decision and I want to make sure I'm making the right one. :-)

 

Talk about a drama filled day, right?? I hope everyone else has a less drama-filled day and enjoys their day.