I guess I'm shamelessly quoting myself. That was from a book I wrote eons ago called Red Rivers. It does kind of embody my mood tonight, being shamelessly introspective and retrospective. My protagonist introspects about why she had gotten from one place in her life to another, and was briefly reminiscing about the steps that had caused her to self-harm. She said that quote, and although I no longer struggle with the demons that Melanie Parker does, I am occasionally inclined towards sadness and difficulty with change.
The later books show a well-adjusted Melanie with a strong faith and a warrior's spirit. I seemed to see something even then in myself that was hidden from view. Melanie lost a ton of weight, began working out, and was happily married. Keep in mind that I wrote this 5 years ago!! The novels were strongly autobiographical but badly written, and I would love to continue the Red Rivers/Redemption/Renewal series but encountered a severe blow to my ability to write that has kept me from it for years. But I digress.
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I am reaching a crossroads in my life. My fiancé has graduated college and joined the workforce, and I have been struggling with my writer's block for some time now. It has actually created in me a bit of a fear of writing, that if anyone actually read my work they would punch holes in it and tell me it was bad. I failed a Creative Writing class because I was so scared to let anyone read my work and eventually stopped going to class because I was embarrassed. It has also kept me from submitting my novels for publication. My degree is in English and my trade is technical writing. I love it. Like, mindnumbingly love it. I love my creative writing with equal passion. I am one of those eclectically-minded people who can shift from creative to technical writing on a dime and I totally don't mind. It's my life and my passion.
And yet, I have been spending my life running from it. :-( I'm freaked out by what would happen if I found a job, if I was no longer miserable and broke and did end up well-adjusted with a strong spirit. My fear isn't so much that I will suck at writing, I've been writing since I was 5 years old. My fear is that my whole identity was bound in being a victim. I carried around this huge chip on my shoulder for many years, and that I was the victim of one circumstance or another. To break with that, to take responsibility for my own life and acknowledge that I didn't get a great start but WILL get a great finish, scares me shitless. Excuse my French. :-)
I know this sounds like a random post and I apologize. But running from the things I love for fear of success is a frequently occurring theme in my life and one of the reasons I couldn't lose weight for the longest time. I was literally afraid to succeed. Which is a sad position to be in, to be honest. I truly want to stop that. I want to finish Redemption and Renewal and write more books. I want to be a successful technical writer. But first I must get my bum in gear and realize that being successful really isn't something to be afraid of. :-)
Thanks so much for wading through my deep posts again. I appreciate it so much. Have a fantastic evening and sleep well. :-)
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