Day 77ish: Hey hey, it's okay...

Like my awesome made-up song title? I think I'm onto something there. :-)

In seriousness, my fiancé brought up something that I thought was super cool. I was bummed out because I had not done very well on my Chemistry test, I guess for whatever reason I just had a bad weekend and didn't want to do much of anything. He said to me, in essence, that doing badly on one chemistry test was okay, especially since I had average 90s on the other test and the lowest score would be dropped. He didn't sound the least bit disappointed, and said that some tests are just harder than others and I would have no trouble with the final. In that moment, he was giving me permission to fail. :-)

Maybe this sounds outrageous to some people, after all, if he gives you permission to fail, doesn't that mean that he wouldn't mind if you failed? Yes, and no. He may want me to succeed, but if I put out the effort and don't make it, I simply have to make a change in my actions and try again, with no guilt trips and repercussions from him. :-) That is a revolutionary and refreshing idea!

My parents, for all intents and purpose, simply didn't have the ability to give me that option. My dad has a doctorate and my mom has a master's, and I can remember ever since I have been in school, they were obsessed with my grades. They bribed me financially when I made A's and B's, they told me everyday that they "needed to see those A's," and just made me a nervous wreck about bringing home anything other than an A or a B. I remember forging signatures on a signed test when I was in the 7th grade because I was so embarrassed to tell them I made a D on a test. I have been at a number of GPA's, even joining the honor's society one semester with a 4.0 GPA and at one point getting an overall GPA below a 1.0.

I don't know how much is related to this, but it has caused me to hold myself to a ridiculous standard of perfection. I was crushed if I didn't bring home a 100, if I got a C on a test I would stop going because I knew I couldn't salvage it. I studied 30 hours or more a week, as well as going to school. It was just high pressure, all the time, and I couldn't handle it.

I have been in college over a decade. I have wrapped my life so much in making my parents happy by getting good grades, I just hoped that if I could complete school the way they wanted me to, I would be happy, they would be happy, and everything would be hunky-dory.

THIS IS AN ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS WAY TO LIVE!!!!

My passion is writing, animal rights, and jewelry-making. I used to make jewelry everyday, and wore it, and I was super proud of my work. I got asked to do a jewelry show but was hell-bent on making a 4.0 GPA, so I turned it down. I think this was a HUGE mistake, and I could have gotten a huge self-esteem boost from it. I love to write and wanted desperately to become published. I never got to do any of this! I let myself go to the point of making everyone else happy. You know what, I want to have my own jewelry business, I want to write novels, and that's okay!! There is nothing wrong with any of that. I also love photography and want to take photography classes, and that's okay too! All of that is okay! I don't have to be in school my whole life or make everyone happy to be happy myself. I can live my own life and be okay with it. :)

Day 16: School Daze

Morning everyone!

Survived my first day of school yesterday. It was actually quite a bit less traumatic than I thought it would be, both psychologically and food-wise. I thought it was going to be a huge adjustment since I hadn't even thought about school for three or four months, but I seemed to fit right in and was able to take notes. I was also okay for eating, I only ate a little and got full fast.

I seem to be plateaued at 216 again. I really do need to step up my game a bit because I had a busy weekend and I think I tend to gain weight over the weekends. My fiancé and I are becoming more active though which is a great thing. We do a lot of walking and such and we will be doing a 5K later on in September. :-) It will be the second of that run that I have done, and my fiancé's first of this one, though we did the Race for the Cure last July. It is an untimed race but I hope to beat my PR this next year and even run it.

I also hope to run for five minutes continually soon. That is my next goal. I ran for about 3 minutes the other day and got a bit tired after that. I want to eventually get to the point where I'm running all 20 minutes. And then I will add more! I want to be able to run a 5K, and eventually a 10K. I have a very awesome friend that regularly runs marathons and did a few ultramarathons recently; I would love to do that. My ultimate goal is to do a full triathlon. My fantasy and not-very-realistic goal is to be able to do an Ironman tri someday, but I don't know if that will actually happen. But first, to do the 5-minute run, lol. :-)

Welp, it's to the gym with me, and then to hang out with my best friend. Have a great day all and enjoy the weather!

Day 14: One, Two, Skip A Few...

Hey guys!

I skipped a day or two since I have been busy! My fiancé and I spent the entire weekend together, we went to Castlewood and walked the mile trail. I got some angry spots on my feet and sand in my shoes but we had an awesome time. The next day we went out to eat and watched Courageous at home since my feet were still sore. By today my feet had healed up so we walked along the riverfront at Festival of the Little Hills. We had a great time and hung out at Picasso's as well, which is my favorite place to hang out on Main St besides Jake's on Main (AKA the Life is Good shop). We went there as well.

So, needless to say, the weekend has been very busy. And tomorrow I start school at college taking my very first class towards my Biology degree. I haven't decided if I want to go into Marine Biology or Microbiology yet, but either one sounds great to me. If I got a Microbiology degree I could work at Monsanto or a biopharmaceutical company, and if I was a Marine Biologist I could work at an aquarium or go sailing on the ocean. That sounds a lot more exciting than dealing with people, lol. I am by nature a researcher and not into customer service, so a type of degree where interaction with people would be minimal sounds utterly fantastic to me. :-D

Speaking of school, I'm not sure how it will go with food. I love the food at my college, which is mostly unhealthy stuff. They also have lots of events at the college with free food and drink (served in Frisbees, no less) and food trucks from time to time. So I will have to keep a tight reign on what goes into my mouth. Thankfully the BMR Bliss helps with the really wonky cravings (I don't usually eat sweets or really salty food) and keeps my appetite to a minimum.

I hope everyone has a great night! I will be nervous about school but I know all will be well.