Day 77ish: Hey hey, it's okay...

Like my awesome made-up song title? I think I'm onto something there. :-)

In seriousness, my fiancé brought up something that I thought was super cool. I was bummed out because I had not done very well on my Chemistry test, I guess for whatever reason I just had a bad weekend and didn't want to do much of anything. He said to me, in essence, that doing badly on one chemistry test was okay, especially since I had average 90s on the other test and the lowest score would be dropped. He didn't sound the least bit disappointed, and said that some tests are just harder than others and I would have no trouble with the final. In that moment, he was giving me permission to fail. :-)

Maybe this sounds outrageous to some people, after all, if he gives you permission to fail, doesn't that mean that he wouldn't mind if you failed? Yes, and no. He may want me to succeed, but if I put out the effort and don't make it, I simply have to make a change in my actions and try again, with no guilt trips and repercussions from him. :-) That is a revolutionary and refreshing idea!

My parents, for all intents and purpose, simply didn't have the ability to give me that option. My dad has a doctorate and my mom has a master's, and I can remember ever since I have been in school, they were obsessed with my grades. They bribed me financially when I made A's and B's, they told me everyday that they "needed to see those A's," and just made me a nervous wreck about bringing home anything other than an A or a B. I remember forging signatures on a signed test when I was in the 7th grade because I was so embarrassed to tell them I made a D on a test. I have been at a number of GPA's, even joining the honor's society one semester with a 4.0 GPA and at one point getting an overall GPA below a 1.0.

I don't know how much is related to this, but it has caused me to hold myself to a ridiculous standard of perfection. I was crushed if I didn't bring home a 100, if I got a C on a test I would stop going because I knew I couldn't salvage it. I studied 30 hours or more a week, as well as going to school. It was just high pressure, all the time, and I couldn't handle it.

I have been in college over a decade. I have wrapped my life so much in making my parents happy by getting good grades, I just hoped that if I could complete school the way they wanted me to, I would be happy, they would be happy, and everything would be hunky-dory.

THIS IS AN ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS WAY TO LIVE!!!!

My passion is writing, animal rights, and jewelry-making. I used to make jewelry everyday, and wore it, and I was super proud of my work. I got asked to do a jewelry show but was hell-bent on making a 4.0 GPA, so I turned it down. I think this was a HUGE mistake, and I could have gotten a huge self-esteem boost from it. I love to write and wanted desperately to become published. I never got to do any of this! I let myself go to the point of making everyone else happy. You know what, I want to have my own jewelry business, I want to write novels, and that's okay!! There is nothing wrong with any of that. I also love photography and want to take photography classes, and that's okay too! All of that is okay! I don't have to be in school my whole life or make everyone happy to be happy myself. I can live my own life and be okay with it. :)

Day 35.5: Lighten Up The Load

Just chilling after a very slow but fun ride on the bike. I was originally intending to take a rest and cheat day, but I realized very quickly that wasn't going to be a good idea. I just felt nasty, and slept for three hours and felt worse. I decided to get on the bike and just take a slow ride, and I felt much better after that. :-) I broke my running streak at 23 days, but I will not worry about it and just go on like it didn't happen. :-) Sundays are a very difficult day to get into the gym anyway just because the hours are so wonky, and it was pouring down rain outside when I went out to run. I mean, don't get me wrong, a little rain never hurt me, but it might hurt my smartphone that I'm using to track my intervals. :-D No fun to have a wet cell phone.

I have been thinking about the content of my blogs and wonder if maybe I'm just being way too serious all the time. I am actually not a very serious person, and I'm not all that sensitive. But when you put me in an avenue where I can talk freely, I just become a downer. And that's no bueno at all! My family and I actually get along fairly well most of the time, except my mom has depression and chronic pain and you can imagine how that gets. I'm lucky if I can be cordial if I have a headache. But she is also a good cook and loves to cross-stitch. My dad is part geek and part mad scientist, and is obsessed with the Daily Show and the Colbert Report. :-) My sister loves to ride horses and ski, and she was a cheerleader in high school. She was pretty good at it too.

As for me, I love to be outdoors. I have gone backpacking in the past and although six miles with a thirty-pound hard-frame backpack on your back is a little difficult to say the least, I can't wait to go out there again and do some serious backpacking. (My fiancé might not though. I kind of lost him when I mentioned that there's no potties in the woods. :-D ) I make jewelry and I have since I was in high school. :-) Here is some of the things I have made:

 

I love making cards and scrapbooking as well. I don't usually use guidelines for cards, though I have for scrapbooking in the past and it actually turned out better than my freeform designs.

A card I made for my fiancé's 27th birthday. :-)



 

 

 A one-year anniversary layout I made.

 

So, all this to say, that maybe my blog needs to take a different direction, that I needed to lighten up the load, so to speak, and not be so dadgum serious all the time. :-) Speaking of which, wanna know what I look like after a long run and I get that runner's high? Well, here I am:

 

 

Anyhoo, I hope everyone has a great night. Be blessed and enjoy your evening! :-)