Day 72: Busy Bee and 199 LBS!!

I finally hit 199 lbs.

Granted, I hit 198 yesterday and went up a little bit today, but considering I haven't worked out in awhile I'd say that's pretty good. I got a little bit discouraged when I couldn't hit the 30 minute mark and decided to take a break from running for a little while. I am looking forward to getting back into it soon. Anyhoo, I hit 199 lbs and am excited to report I am still there today. I took some progress pics but am a little disappointed with how they looked. My hair was kind of all over the place and I wasn't wearing any makeup. So I will be sure to retake them tomorrow and post them on the blog.

I have been dealing with a lot of things outside of the blog and the Facebook page, none of them being particularly bad or good. I have decided to work within my original degree and try to find a technical writing job through Career Services at the community college. They have been very helpful thus far and have given me a few leads and suggestions for how to find more. I plan on getting some sort of degree while I'm working, but I'm not sure how that will pan out. I will keep up with my classes and do some job-searching while I'm not in school. It will be difficult but I am positive about the future. Plus, my fiancé is starting his first job out of college and the hours are a little bit wonky, all nights for now. I am not concerned about it but he is, he's worried he won't get to see me and everything, but I think it will all work out.

I have been dealing with a lot of family issues, which are positive for the most part. My parents and I are starting to reconcile our relationship after it being rocky for years. I don't think it's necessarily that either one of us are at fault, it's just that we are SO different in personality and because I am disabled (I have mild autism) I want to be independent from them and start my own life but I just tend to do things a lot slower than most people and sometimes that is frustrating. And I think I carried a lot of that frustration with me and just had a lot of anger about it. But I am glad I am starting to get some help for that through my church. I have an outlet and it feels a lot better.

Wow, this is a pretty deep post tonight. If you waded through it, I appreciate it and I hope you will continue to read subsequent posts. Trust me, it will be a lot lighter fare than tonight, lol! I will have my photos and hopefully some running news and it will be awesome.

Blessings to ya'll, enjoy the journey, and enjoy the beautiful fall weather!! xx

Day 35.5: Lighten Up The Load

Just chilling after a very slow but fun ride on the bike. I was originally intending to take a rest and cheat day, but I realized very quickly that wasn't going to be a good idea. I just felt nasty, and slept for three hours and felt worse. I decided to get on the bike and just take a slow ride, and I felt much better after that. :-) I broke my running streak at 23 days, but I will not worry about it and just go on like it didn't happen. :-) Sundays are a very difficult day to get into the gym anyway just because the hours are so wonky, and it was pouring down rain outside when I went out to run. I mean, don't get me wrong, a little rain never hurt me, but it might hurt my smartphone that I'm using to track my intervals. :-D No fun to have a wet cell phone.

I have been thinking about the content of my blogs and wonder if maybe I'm just being way too serious all the time. I am actually not a very serious person, and I'm not all that sensitive. But when you put me in an avenue where I can talk freely, I just become a downer. And that's no bueno at all! My family and I actually get along fairly well most of the time, except my mom has depression and chronic pain and you can imagine how that gets. I'm lucky if I can be cordial if I have a headache. But she is also a good cook and loves to cross-stitch. My dad is part geek and part mad scientist, and is obsessed with the Daily Show and the Colbert Report. :-) My sister loves to ride horses and ski, and she was a cheerleader in high school. She was pretty good at it too.

As for me, I love to be outdoors. I have gone backpacking in the past and although six miles with a thirty-pound hard-frame backpack on your back is a little difficult to say the least, I can't wait to go out there again and do some serious backpacking. (My fiancé might not though. I kind of lost him when I mentioned that there's no potties in the woods. :-D ) I make jewelry and I have since I was in high school. :-) Here is some of the things I have made:

 

I love making cards and scrapbooking as well. I don't usually use guidelines for cards, though I have for scrapbooking in the past and it actually turned out better than my freeform designs.

A card I made for my fiancé's 27th birthday. :-)



 

 

 A one-year anniversary layout I made.

 

So, all this to say, that maybe my blog needs to take a different direction, that I needed to lighten up the load, so to speak, and not be so dadgum serious all the time. :-) Speaking of which, wanna know what I look like after a long run and I get that runner's high? Well, here I am:

 

 

Anyhoo, I hope everyone has a great night. Be blessed and enjoy your evening! :-)



 

Day 26: Trying to Adjust

The last few days have been really intense, with tons of roller coaster emotions and just not fun. I'm trying not to drown the blog in pessimism cause that's not really what I'm all about, but I just feel really discouraged. I'm still working out, still not eating too much, but I just start to wonder if maybe I'm wasting my time and money going to school and doing all these things to better myself. I feel like I'll never be good enough to meet my expectations, no matter how hard I work. I have felt this way all my life, I work and work and still don't feel good enough for myself. I got a 4.0 GPA my first semester and I have a 4.0 GPA this semester. But I'm beating myself up because I got a 98 instead of a 100 on a quiz! :-P I know I shouldn't do this to myself, that I should accept myself as I am. But I've got it in my head that I accept myself as I am, I am being complacent and that will cause me to backslide. Do any of you feel that way? How do you deal with it?

I have been trying to work myself back up to 22 minutes and got a little further, to about 17 minutes before I felt another crying fit coming on. Fortunately, this time I waited till I got into the car. Since it has been two times in a row now, I wonder if its not PMS but something a little deeper. I have lost 21 lbs in 2 months, I have worked myself into the ground and gotten the reward for it. But it is still a shock to the system! I have never been this active or in better shape, and there seems to be this huge adjustment curve involved. This is the first time in my life that I have really treated myself well or honored myself. I have from a young age thought very badly of myself and not treated myself well. To actually do that for myself, to actually believe that I do matter and that I am doing the best I can, is such a hard pill to swallow, especially when it seems that the people who are closest to you want to sabotage you and make sure you fail! (Not people like my fiancé though, he has supported me through all the things the haters have dished out.)

I know I am going to get through this and come out stronger. I have never quit even through sexual abuse, financial disasters, and depression, but it is still hard! I would love any prayers that you can give me! :-)

I think I am going to do some serious chilling, and suck it up and have a rest day. It is so hard to give myself a rest day but I know I need some time to recharge and rejuvenate after working out continuously for way too many days! I just want to sit around, read Glamour, and paint my nails. I haven't done that in a long time. :-)

I hope everyone has a great day. If you're in the same boat as me, please pray for me and let me know any ways I can pray for you! :-)

Day 18.5: Finding New Confidence

It's amazing how you find yourself when you lose weight.

I have found by losing weight I have suddenly felt like I should not ever, EVER settle and I have been telling people I know that, probably to the point of annoyance at times. :-D But there is a story behind my obsessive use of the phrase "Never settle," and I feel like I have reached a point in my life where I feel comfortable sharing a little bit more of myself.

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My weight has only been an issue for me since I was 14. Before that, I was as active as could be. I was a moderately accomplished gymnast and tried to be a cheerleader until a self-confidence and knee blowout ended that venture. :-) I also ice skated and played soccer, basketball, and softball. I was never good, but I loved it.

I don't want to get into the particulars of my childhood, but there were some issues that caused me to gain weight. I ended up putting on over 100 lbs in a short amount of time.

I finally got to the breaking point the first time when I hit 240. At 5'3" (fun sized!) that was a hard pill to swallow and my body was showing the effects. I lost 51 lbs, getting down to 189, but I gained it all back after ending an abusive relationship with an ex-boyfriend. It was very hard for me, as was the death of my maternal grandma, and I'm just now emptying the last piece of that emotional baggage.

I went to see a psychiatrist for occasional depression and panic attacks, and found out I had residual post-traumatic stress disorder from that relationship. He seemed to think I had daddy issues (I do, my dad is way too awesome! It's killing me! :-D) and tried to get me out of my parents' house. I moved way too fast, found a job where I got scammed and lost over $2000, and it pretty much imploded. I'm still unpacking those bags.

So, all that culminated into a very frustrating time of it. I became moderately depressed, and one day I went to the library hoping to find the latest book to change my life (aren't we all guilty of this from time to time, lol?) and found out that the answer was in my lap. I had my BMR Bliss meds and needed to take them for the day. I had reached into the passenger seat to grab the bottle and it said in pretty font, "Never Settle."

Suddenly, I realized that was what I had been doing my whole life. I had been settling into everyone's mold of me, I let everyone push me around, I didn't take care of myself, and I had just been settling. Now was the time to change. I pulled into the gym on the way home and the rest is history. :-)

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I hope that gives you a better understanding of what I've been through. I really hope that I can encourage you to do the same. Well, maybe not with the roller coaster of emotions it took me to get there, but I want to encourage you to never settle for less than what you're worth. Don't let anyone tell you negative things about you. You were put on this Earth for a reason, and that was not to give up! :-)

I hope this has encouraged you tonight. I hope you have a great evening.

Day 16.5: Signs You're Getting Thinner

- You are freezing everywhere you go. I live in my WFM jacket and it's 90 degrees outside!
- When you stare blankly for 20 minutes while everyone else is stuffing their face.
- When you go into a athletic store and people don't give you a second glance.
- When you fit into your favorite jacket at REI and still can go up a size if you want.
- When it sounds incredulous that someone gets tired going to the other size of the mall.
- When you'd rather go running than eat.
- When you're stressed, you say, "Dammit, I wanna run!"
- When you're excited when you find a free 5k.
- When you go exploring after being out all day.

These are just a few for fun that have happened throughout the day and week. I have been noticing little things in my life that haven't always been present. I fit into a large jacket at REI. When I was previously at REI at around 222 or so, the jacket was very loose through the sleeves but wouldn't zip up (I have big hips and a weird waist, lol) and this time it zipped up all the way. I was psyched and I hope by the time winter rolls around I will be a medium.

My family has yet to catch up with me weight-wise. In fact, my mom is kind of sabotaging me a little bit because she always wants to eat. I wanted to eat at a restaurant with lots of healthy options, but for some reason my mom thought the other end of the mall was too far, even though technically you can just get in the car and drive down there. My mom's idea of "shopping at the mall" means going to 2 shops in close proximity to each other, and one of them is always a Starbucks. Anyhoo, she went to basically a meat and cheese mecca (AKA El Maguey) and I tried to find something healthy on the menu, and I got what I thought was a healthy meal but turned out to be covered in cheese! Next time I go to the restaurant I will ask for it without cheese. Yuck. :-P

Still, it looks like I have broken the 216-217 plateau for now. I ran six continuous minutes on the treadmill and am aiming for seven or eight tomorrow. I like to aim a little higher and try to surpass it. My goal today was five minutes, but I'm trying to get to a 30-40 minute run. I intend to run the (FREE) 5K I have signed up for, even if I have to train in a hurry. And besides, running obliterates the pounds. :-)

Well, I hope everyone has a great night! Take care all.