Day 26: Trying to Adjust

The last few days have been really intense, with tons of roller coaster emotions and just not fun. I'm trying not to drown the blog in pessimism cause that's not really what I'm all about, but I just feel really discouraged. I'm still working out, still not eating too much, but I just start to wonder if maybe I'm wasting my time and money going to school and doing all these things to better myself. I feel like I'll never be good enough to meet my expectations, no matter how hard I work. I have felt this way all my life, I work and work and still don't feel good enough for myself. I got a 4.0 GPA my first semester and I have a 4.0 GPA this semester. But I'm beating myself up because I got a 98 instead of a 100 on a quiz! :-P I know I shouldn't do this to myself, that I should accept myself as I am. But I've got it in my head that I accept myself as I am, I am being complacent and that will cause me to backslide. Do any of you feel that way? How do you deal with it?

I have been trying to work myself back up to 22 minutes and got a little further, to about 17 minutes before I felt another crying fit coming on. Fortunately, this time I waited till I got into the car. Since it has been two times in a row now, I wonder if its not PMS but something a little deeper. I have lost 21 lbs in 2 months, I have worked myself into the ground and gotten the reward for it. But it is still a shock to the system! I have never been this active or in better shape, and there seems to be this huge adjustment curve involved. This is the first time in my life that I have really treated myself well or honored myself. I have from a young age thought very badly of myself and not treated myself well. To actually do that for myself, to actually believe that I do matter and that I am doing the best I can, is such a hard pill to swallow, especially when it seems that the people who are closest to you want to sabotage you and make sure you fail! (Not people like my fiancé though, he has supported me through all the things the haters have dished out.)

I know I am going to get through this and come out stronger. I have never quit even through sexual abuse, financial disasters, and depression, but it is still hard! I would love any prayers that you can give me! :-)

I think I am going to do some serious chilling, and suck it up and have a rest day. It is so hard to give myself a rest day but I know I need some time to recharge and rejuvenate after working out continuously for way too many days! I just want to sit around, read Glamour, and paint my nails. I haven't done that in a long time. :-)

I hope everyone has a great day. If you're in the same boat as me, please pray for me and let me know any ways I can pray for you! :-)

Day 25.5: Demotivation Becomes Motivation

I have had a very... interesting day today, as in, really kind of blah. My mom was in the same mood I was but for a different reason, and when you add two people who want to kill everyone and especially each other in the same room, it does not bode well for either person. Mom was telling me about how I spend so much money and how they aren't going to pay for my overdrafts (Which really is not a huge deal, it was a glitch in the system and I will pay it off tomorrow after I get my paycheck. It was just the way she said it, she knows how to push all my buttons!) I don't consider myself to spend massively either. I just have things that come up that I need to take care of, like having some gym shorts and some deodorant, and I take care of them when they come up. There is a lot of stuff I want but I am still prudent. :-)

Anyway, my mom's words and my general bad mood apexed today when I went and tried to bike. I made it 2 miles (actually, closer to 1.76) and I just broke down. I'm sure I kind of surprised the guy next to me, but I got up and left, feeling completely defeated and just blah. I posted to my GOF page on Facebook, thinking everyone was going to knock me for it. What can I say, sometimes I can be a tad pessimistic. But I got a lot of encouragement from some great people, even some I didn't even know. I decided then that I am a lot of things sometimes, but a quitter is not one of them.

I got home just as my parents were leaving to go out of town and I was determined to attack my dad's stationary bike. He has a different type of bike than I'm used to using, I usually use a recumbent and he uses one that looks more like a regular bike. I got on and turned on the beauty hour on HSN, and proceeded to kick butt. I rode for about 40 minutes, and knocked out 10.3 miles out on the treadmill, beating my dad at both time and mileage. My dad and I have always been a bit competitive when it comes to the stationary bike. I am always trying to beat him, and now I have. I rode for a grand total of 12.06 miles. :-)

What is really sweet is that I have obliterated another mini-goal of mine which was to do my gym's requirement for biking for a short-track tri (10.2 miles), which I set kind of half-jokingly cause at that point I was much heavier and knew that it would be a bit of a long shot. Now I have not only met that goal but I have beaten it by 0.1 miles! That is completely awesome.

I am so glad for everyone's encouragement. :-) It is super awesome on a bad day like this. I get on my blog and write about it and I hope other people are encouraged by it too. Sometimes you just have a blah day. You can still get it done! Never settle and never give up. You're just one step away from a breakthrough!

I hope everyone has a fantastic evening. Me, I've got to get some chemistry homework done, because as far as I know, it has not done itself, lol. :-D Take care everyone!

Day 16.5: Signs You're Getting Thinner

- You are freezing everywhere you go. I live in my WFM jacket and it's 90 degrees outside!
- When you stare blankly for 20 minutes while everyone else is stuffing their face.
- When you go into a athletic store and people don't give you a second glance.
- When you fit into your favorite jacket at REI and still can go up a size if you want.
- When it sounds incredulous that someone gets tired going to the other size of the mall.
- When you'd rather go running than eat.
- When you're stressed, you say, "Dammit, I wanna run!"
- When you're excited when you find a free 5k.
- When you go exploring after being out all day.

These are just a few for fun that have happened throughout the day and week. I have been noticing little things in my life that haven't always been present. I fit into a large jacket at REI. When I was previously at REI at around 222 or so, the jacket was very loose through the sleeves but wouldn't zip up (I have big hips and a weird waist, lol) and this time it zipped up all the way. I was psyched and I hope by the time winter rolls around I will be a medium.

My family has yet to catch up with me weight-wise. In fact, my mom is kind of sabotaging me a little bit because she always wants to eat. I wanted to eat at a restaurant with lots of healthy options, but for some reason my mom thought the other end of the mall was too far, even though technically you can just get in the car and drive down there. My mom's idea of "shopping at the mall" means going to 2 shops in close proximity to each other, and one of them is always a Starbucks. Anyhoo, she went to basically a meat and cheese mecca (AKA El Maguey) and I tried to find something healthy on the menu, and I got what I thought was a healthy meal but turned out to be covered in cheese! Next time I go to the restaurant I will ask for it without cheese. Yuck. :-P

Still, it looks like I have broken the 216-217 plateau for now. I ran six continuous minutes on the treadmill and am aiming for seven or eight tomorrow. I like to aim a little higher and try to surpass it. My goal today was five minutes, but I'm trying to get to a 30-40 minute run. I intend to run the (FREE) 5K I have signed up for, even if I have to train in a hurry. And besides, running obliterates the pounds. :-)

Well, I hope everyone has a great night! Take care all.

Day Eight: Stay Positive

I have been inactive for more than a day, but I promise to update this more frequently (and actually do it everyday!)

I quit my job yesterday. I had only been there for six weeks but it was probably one of the most demeaning jobs I have ever had. I got yelled at, got nasty garbage spilled on me daily, and got all kinds of crap from everyone. I was so glad to see it go. But I do have to find another job in the meantime since I have tuition for school and whatnot. :-) I do have enough of a paycheck coming in to pay for the rest of my degree, but I'm still a bit nervous. I'm confident though in my ability to find another job.

While searching for another job, I have decided to work on myself. I have been visiting S2 for about a month now and totally love the BMR Bliss Go Pack. I finally broke my plateau and got below 217.2, which I'm sure is due in part to relieving myself of some really difficult stressors (my job being one of them!). My mom has brought on the drama lately, and I find that working out has relieved a lot of that tension. Today I signed up for yoga classes and may start Zumba soon if my knees will tolerate it. I start my yoga classes tomorrow at 10:15am. :-) I will be sure to keep ya'll updated. :-)

I have also been going to vet tech school at Penn Foster, which I know is a for-profit school, but my fiancé has had a wonderful time with his college education and is about to graduate with a cooking certificate from a for-profit school, and I'm so stinking proud! I am doing my vet tech degree and will be doing another degree with them when I'm done with this one. It'll be a surprise. :-)

Keep you updated on my progress. :)